United Airlines - Part 2

Note: This is a continuation from my post dated March 26.  Sorry to have pulled a “Kill Bill” and unnecessarily separated it into two posts, surely keeping you up at night due to the suspense.  It was just a long story and seemed too long for a single blog post.  Anyway…

After learning that my name has been broadcast on the airport PA system, I approach the gate agent to see what the issue is and also to [hopefully] retrieve my boarding pass.  Thankfully – and surprisingly – she hands me a boarding pass and seat assignment after I hand over my Departure Management Card.  She then walks around from behind the desk, and without hesitation, points to my bag and says, “I’m going to need to check that bag.”  (At this point you should ask yourself if you’ve ever seen a gate agent walk out from behind their unreasonably high ticket counter for any reason.)  Realizing that she clearly received a call from my bigoted buddy from before, I nearly flipped out.  Instead, I looked around and saw a little “box-measuring-bar thing.”

Prior to showing the agent lady it would fit, I did hesitate, as the little “box-measuring-bar thing” did look quite small.  However, I looked around the waiting area and reassured myself after seeing how much larger everyone else’s bags were.  Unsurprisingly and perhaps anticlimactically, it fit just fine (I did have to shove it in, but those stupid templates are conservatively small).  I figured if she had a problem with me shoving it into the little “box-measuring-bar thing,” I was going to point out other peoples’ bags and risk being hated by my fellow passengers.  She agreed to let me carry it on, but did ask one last time, “I can still check it if you want.”

Needless to say, the bag fit in the overhead compartment.  In fact, it fit any way I wanted to place it in there: in line with or perpendicular to the compartment, and even on its side!  There was even extra space to put my coat on top of it!

At this point, I had forgotten about Economy Plus, which basically started this whole fiasco.  The plane was only about two-thirds full, and after take-off, some poor soul decided to move seats.  I don’t blame him—he had a middle seat between two jolly fellows and there was an entire row open three rows ahead.  Once we were in the air and the fasten seat belt sign went off, he moved forward.  Unfortunately, he didn’t even have a chance to sit down when the SS flight attendant stopped him.  The man was told that he would have to return to his assigned seat or pay the $50 change fee!  He wasn’t trying to move to first class or even an exit row.  One-third of coach was empty, and they wanted to charge him to change seats!

There are few companies whose business practices I doubt more than United Airlines, and I would not be surprised if they go out of business (again), especially after completing the merger with Continental.  I'm sure that my gripes won't get as much attention as "United Breaks Guitars," but you'd think that United would have learned a lesson or two after suffering one of the worst PR nightmares in the history of the world:

In case you were not aware of this story, United broke Dave Carroll’s guitar and refused to acknowledge any wrongdoing.  To respond, Carroll put together this music video, and on the 2 days after posting it on YouTube, United’s stock dropped nearly 5% (in excess of the market's fluctuations).  This equated to the company losing about $90 MILLION dollars of value.

You can't make this stuff up!

United Airlines - Part 1

Have you heard of Economy Plus?  It's the new crime being committed by airlines and the origin of today's ridiculous story.  I wasn’t really upset when airlines stopped serving—and then started charging for—food.  I also wasn’t even that upset when they started charging for soft drinks (which no longer applies on most airlines).  I was, however, quite irked when they started charging for checked bags, especially since it makes MORE sense (from the airline’s perspective) to charge for carry-on bags: carry-on bags, unlike checked bags, increase lines in airport security, are a greater security threat, and significantly slow down boarding and deplaning.  But this United Economy Plus nonsense is the most frustrating.

I purchased a ticket for about $400, roundtrip to Denver, Colorado.  When I went to check-in 24 hours prior, I was asked if I wanted to pick a seat.  “Of course,” I thought. Seeing that the front half of the plane was almost completely available, I selected my seats, clicked “Next,” and then was told the charge would be $65!  Apparently, the new way United has decided to make a buck is by charging people for Economy Plus, which allows passengers to:

• Select their seats
• Have 5 extra inches of legroom
• Board "early"
• And pay a hefty $65!

There being no way I was going to do this, I cancelled and continued the check-in process without selecting seats.  When it came time to print the boarding passes, I discovered that instead of getting a normal boarding pass, I got something called a “Departure Management Card”—the same thing you get when a flight is overbooked and you have to fly standby.  “But half the plane is empty!” I screamed.  I realized I basically paid the $400 to have the option to buy a seat for $65.  This is just plain criminal!

I made sure I arrived to the airport early so I could secure a seat, and went up to the ticketing agent.  I showed her my Departure Management Card, and she said that I had to proceed to the gate.  Here’s our dialogue—this is verbatim:

“Why don’t I have a boarding pass?” I asked.

“Because NO airline guarantees seats,” she snapped.

“But what did I pay $400 for then?” I asked, clearly confused.

“For a space on the plane,” she answered, even more frustrated.  “Space, but not a seat.”

“So I will definitely be able to get on the plane?”  I wanted to confirm this.

“Yes.  NO airline guarantees seats, so please stop questioning our policies.” 

She then looked down at my bag.  “You’re going to have to check that bag … please bring it over here” as she motions to the scale.

“No I don’t,” I reply.  “It’s a normal carry-on size bag.”

“No, it’s too big. If you don’t check it, you’ll go through security, get to the gate, and then they’ll tell you that you have to check it.  Then you have to come all the way back here and you’ll miss your flight.”

“OK, I’ll take my chances,” I respond, well knowing that this is the same carry-on bag I’ve been using for 6 years.

“You’ve been WARNED!” she screams.  I just laugh out loud and walk toward security.

This is a picture of my bag, taken with my Blackberry.  Seems like a fairly nondescript carry-on bag to me.

Thankfully the security line wasn’t that long, so it was only about 5 minutes before I was up to the TSA agent.  There were just a couple people in front of me, and a lady in plain clothes approaches me and asks to see my boarding pass.  I looked at her and asked, “Who are you?”  She said, “Never mind that, tell me your name and let me see your boarding pass.”

At this point, I’m up to the TSA agent and I ask him who this lady is and whether or not I need to show her my boarding pass.  He responded that I better do as the lady asks, “or else.”  Now noticing the sloppily-placed United nametag on this lady, I hand her my boarding pass.  She looks at it and says, “Sir, you’re going to need to check that bag.”  At this point VERY frustrated, I ask, “What the hell is this about?!”

She responds, telling me that the bag is too big to be carried on and that I need to check it.  She also tells me that she received a call because I cussed out the ticketing agent.  I did no such thing!  That spiteful lady didn’t like having her authority questioned, so she had the audacity to lie and hold me up in security.

This United lady and I went back and forth for 10 minutes, and eventually she let me go, but also saying that the gate agent was going to require me to check my bag and that I’d miss my flight.  This was nothing short of harassment.  Was I being discriminated against because I was white?  Male?  I do have a Hebrew last name, so was this anti-Semitism???

I go through security just fine (the bag has NO problem going through the x-ray machine) and proceed to the gate.  There I find a friend of mine who says, “Hey!  They’ve been calling your name on the PA system for 10 minutes!”

to be continued…

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Inspiration for Recording Telephone Conversations

I recently came across this Failblog video and found it just too funny.  If you ever needed a reason to record your calls to customer service agents, here it is:



I have recently begun recording some conversations myself and will look forward to sharing those.  (By the way, while I respect and love all readers, if you don't "get" the video, I'd have to recommend you spend less time at Doubt of Business and more time here.)

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Beware the "Maximum Refund Guarantee"

(H&R Block in Particular)

It's tax season, and as you're probably aware, all the DIY tax programs attempt to distinguish themselves by offering a "maximum refund guarantee." If you read the fine print, there are some things you should be weary of:

• The "guarantee" only applies to the cost of the tax preparation software, not any difference in the tax refund or liability. 
• In most cases, you can only have your money refunded if you've already filed the taxes. 
• To actually ensure that you're getting your maximum refund, you have to effectively do your taxes twice, using at least 2 different preparation software programs. Who does this? 

I do. Yes, I completed my taxes on both H&R Block and TurboTax's website. I started with H&R Block, but when the refund calculator kept doing funny things, I decided to input all the data again into TurboTax. I was vindicated to find a $1,200 difference between the two programs!

I've been filing my taxes with H&R Block online for almost 10 years, so I called to inform them of the $1,000 discrepancy. The first time I called, it took me over 15 minutes to speak to a human, who asked me all the security questions. I was relieved when she also asked me my phone number so that she could call me back in case we got disconnected. I gave it to her, and within a few seconds of me explaining my issue, we got disconnected. I waited patiently by the phone for her to call back, but to no avail.

I then called again, and able to maneuver through the phone menus more efficiently, I got a human in just 5 minutes. Before she even began to ask me the security questions, we got disconnected a second time!

The third time I called, I was livid, but was successfully able to reach and speak to a human customer service rep. When I told her that TurboTax was offering a $1,200 higher refund, she asked me what she could do about it. Not really sure of how or why I was supposed to answer that question, I suggested that (1) I be refunded the $60 tax preparation fee, and (2) I speak to a tax advisor who could find the source of the discrepancy.

She then put me on hold for 35 minutes, after which she reluctantly refunded the $60 tax preparation fee. But she did say that I would have to pay the $79 fee to speak to a tax advisor.

A fitting end to the event, I received THREE email customer satisfaction surveys – including two for each of the times I was disconnected.

Bottom line is, if you want to ensure a maximum refund, you better do your taxes twice. You can’t make this stuff up!


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Borders Update

Well, Borders officially filed for bankruptcy the other day, and I found this line amusing from an article in today's Wall Street Journal:

"Chief Financial Officer Scott Henry said in the court documents filed Wednesday that Borders aims to stay viable by enhancing its customer rewards program..."

I have an idea, Scott.  Don't "discourage" your customers from becoming Rewards members!
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Border's "Rewards"

I've been considering starting this blog for several months now, and with the impending bankruptcy of Border's, I figured there would be no better time to start than now.

If you haven't heard, Border's is preparing to enter Chapter 11 pretty soon.  This news was of no surprise to me after a recent visit to Borders in early January.  I frequently check for great online deals at http://slickdeals.net and came across a "50% off" coupon for Border's.  This coupon was available to anyone directly from the Border's website.  It required a Border's Rewards membership, but membership is free and you can sign up anytime.

The only thing I've been rewarded as a Borders Rewards member
is daily email spamming.

Because my in-laws were coming into town, I printed out 4 coupons so we could each treat ourselves to a fairly priced book.  (I say "fairly priced" since Border's books at 50% off is about equal to what you'd pay on Amazon.com.  Also, generally speaking, you should steer clear of the DVD section of Border's -- their DVDs are priced 2-3 times what you would pay on Amazon.)

After church, my in-laws, wife, and I ventured to the Border's in Chapel Hill.  My father-in-law was the first to find a book to his liking.  With book and coupon in hand, he approached the cashier who promptly informed him that in order to use the coupon, he already needed to be a Rewards member.  "Besides," she said, "that coupon was emailed out to particular Rewards members."

After hearing this news, I kindly but firmly approached the cashier and informed her that the coupon was in fact printed directly off the Border's website.  My father-in-law wasn't a Border's Rewards member, but I asked her what stopped him from signing up and then using the coupon.  Her response and exact words were, "We discourage that."  "You discourage people from using your coupons?" I replied.  After some more back and forth, she hesitantly responded, "well, I guess we can make an exception here ... but just this once."

My wife, father-in-law, and I ended up buying books (i.e., handing cash to Border's), but my mother-in-law was turned off and decided not to buy anything.  She's clearly not the minority: since Border's is filing for bankruptcy, many others like her have decided not to hand their cash over to Border's.

The overall ridiculousness was Border's alleged policy of discouraging customers from using their own coupons.  I'm not sure what's worse, providing a coupon which encourages customers to come in, and then not honor it, or providing a coupon with so much fine print you literally can't buy anything.  Case in point would be a common Sports Authority coupon: 25% off sounds like a great deal.  But when you read the exclusions in the fine print, there is literally nothing for you to buy!

Coupons should follow a general rule of thumb:
The fine print should not take up more space on a coupon than the coupon itself!

You can't make this stuff up!

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